yeah....

looking back.

i just look Back at all the pictures and think of what i have gotten to experience and it always makes me feel good and love life and know i'll get through this. this too shall pass.

just a blah blog.

my heart pounds, i take a deep breath. i procrastinate as a type this blog. i realize i am selfish. i always knew it but not as much as i realize now.

i lost my car. 29 years old. lost my first car. the guy came and towed it yesterday. 45 days late and bam! that bitch was gone. lol that incident showed me a lot. my first thought to myself "GET WITH IT AMANDA". "these are just things. stop being selfish anout what YOU"VE lost, amanda."

wtf just happened here? my car? my job? all gone.

9 years i've been a massage therapist and living the life!! 4 days a week, great income, traveling, fun fun fun!!

but now, nobody gets a massage anymore. it's like a ghost town fog came over my career. so sureal. NOBODY to massage.

of course i read and hear oh the economy this the economy that. i have been a prisioner of the economy. oh me oh my. what's a girl to do? boo fucking hoo.

i dwelled in my sorrows enough. i'm getting with this program. get me outta this hell!! i hate this feeling!!

to be continued on a better note....
a note that sings higher than the highest of tunes. i'm ready.

wilflower

i've lost everything but i still have love.

Work is not going good. It is very slow in the service industry. With that being said, my phone will be shut off April 10 and i am losing my car. i do not know how i will be getting to work. i am very grateful for graflin because i do not have to pay rent, he pays for my food, clothes, etc....

his business is doing horrible too. times are really hard but at least i still have family and one of the best boyfriends ever.

i'm going to be riding the bus to and from work when graflin can not take me to work. what is happening in this world? i've been a massage therapist for nine years and making great money but now, nothing. i barely make $100 a week. i'm trying to look for another job. but, with everyone losing jobs left and right, you're lucky to get a cashier or waitress job. people with master's degrees are fighting to work at kroger.

the end is near but i'm happy to know i'm loved and i can still love.

miss you guys. take care.

Southern Women Show

I got a new job and I love it!! I am working now at Studio LaRue. Studio LaRue is a huge sponsor for the Southern Women Show. With that being said I am working all weekend long doing chair massages for $1 a minute. I finished my second day today and could not believe how huge this show is. WOW!! All women from all over the south coming out of the wood works for this one. Friday, I did 45 chair massages. I started at 10 AM and left at 630 PM. It was such a great experience for me. It was some of the hardest work I have ever done but such and amazing day that I will never forget. My favorite women to watch are the ones who are in the red hat club. I love to see these ladies walking around together loving life.

I'll post pictures Sunday and talk about the whole weekend then. Going to bed. Until then, good night!!

<3

Traveling pics

Yay for Saturday nights.

Finally. Feb. 21 is here!! I have a big party tonight at Nocturnal. Let's hope we can pack this place out. I'll be taking pictures tonight. I'll post them when I upload. Things are going great here. Got an ok job (hey!! it's a job and I'm glad I have one. ) and I started working out again. I'll be turning 29 in two months and I swore to myself I will not be overweight. I'm doing cardio and using a kettlebell. Google it if you don't know what it is. They are awesome and I love it.

I won't be able to come to Belize in April due to my job. :-( I'm very upset about this but, what can a girl do? I miss mom terribly. <3

Graflin and I decided to build shelves and make our pantry bigger. We also decided to plant a garden together as soon as the weather warms up. I think this will be fun and a learning / bonding time as well.

Miss everyone and hope all is well with others.

<3

I love it!!

Jenny, what were we doing here? ha!!
Kevin, you're busted!! love you.

I love my little man.

R.I.P. Betty // 04.06.35 - 02.04.09

I remember as a child with my lil brother, David, how excited and anxious I got when we left Nebraska to drive to our hometown, Boone, IA. We had much fun visiting Uncle Jerry, all our cousins, and Aunt Betty. I remember her little bitty house, the room with all her dolls in it. awesome!! I would just stare at the dolls wanting to play with them something fierce knowing I couldn't because they were for show only. I never understood at the time why I could only look but not touch the flawless dolls. I always thought, why not play with dolls? What's the use of having dolls if you can't touch or love on them? Just one of Betty's memoriable rules.

I loved how David, Travis, and I would walk to the parks and play for hours. We would play until the sun would set. Rushing to get home I could almost smell Betty's cooking and hear my family's laugh. After we would come inside I remember hearing Betty say "Go wash your hands and come eat." Meatloaf!! My favorite. Betty could cook. She lived for it. She was the one who would plan and cook every meal when we would visit. She was the rock on my dad's side. My favorite.

Great memories I never will forget. Many more too. I'll see and remember those in my dreams to come.

<3

I got to talk to mom tonight.

Yay!! Felt great to talk to to mom tonight. I got to talk to her lover, Enesto tonight. I am so happy for many reasons. Living with Graflin and feeling stability again in a long time even though I still haven't found a job yet. The economy is so bad here. The crime in Memphis is getting worse and worse everyday. Crime everywhere but I'm still keeping my head up and hoping things get better in the job area. Barely making with house call massages and doing entertainment for a few clubs and restaurants here.

Dad is finally leaving memphis Thursday. Yippee!! Two months of seeing him everyday in my apartment was a test. A test of patience that I didn't do so well in but if you knew my dad I think you would understand. It worked out though. I made it out alive. ;-) ha


Off to a better subject....
I got bangs!! First time since the 80's dude!! Posted pic above. I'm feeling the bangs so you know I got to strut my stuff.

Love and miss everyone!!

14 degrees tomorrow

It's going to be 14 degrees tomorrow. The high 14!! In Memphis. MEMPHIS!!!! Saying and thinking that word in the way i spelled it makes me think of my brothers making fun of me. Love it. Anyway, damn. It's freaking cold. Tonight I watched the most amazing concert for the 1298341278362122 time. Beth Hart. If you haven't heard about her i encourage you to watch her Live at the paridiso DVD. YOU"LL LOVE IT.

I've moved in with Graflin in much of a faster pace because of my father. All is well. Even though I go a lil crazy, dad is packing my stuff for FREE and less stress for free or is it? I laugh because my friends who have always told me. "be nice to your dad, he's a nice guy." are now saying "when is he leaving again?"

i laugh!!

I have never been happier. Life just feels right. I wanna know how to love. i wanna know how t love my brothers, my mother, my lover... even when the voices in my head are telling me that I'm shit. I wanna learn. I think we can do that if we pray and love. I love GOD. I'll leave that light on. Lyrics by Beth Hart I never will forget.

Losing My Mind

I've been under a lot of stress since the beginning of December. My father, is someone who lives in his own world so to say. I know he means well but he drives me insane!! Does every daughter say that about her father? Dad has basically kicked me out of my apartment and proceeded to take it over like it is his. From moving my decor around so he can fit his stuff on my shelves, to hanging pictures up on my walls, to going through my dressers, throwing away things that I've kept for years that mean the world to me, anything that can test my patience, he is doing.

I live in a high rise and even though I am a social butterfly in public, I tend to keep to myself and not associate with my neighbors. I like to keep it that way. Unfortunately, my father has been bugging every neighbor and every tenant in the Gilmore. The manager has told me several times that dad is driving the people insane and asked if I could control the situation. How do I do this? I've tried talking to him and he states that everyone is out to get him. Paranoia much? I didn't realize I was working in a mental institution.

But!! Things are looking up. My boyfriend and I have decided to live together. Dad finally decided that maybe it's time for him to leave since I'm moving in with my boyfriend. You think? Sad I had to do something like that for him to get the hint that he was overstaying his welcome.

A New Chapter

FEEL IT.

You have to feel things in life to know you've made the right decision. I have to "feel it" just to know I'm alive. From deciding what to wear, to knowing my brothers' love, Chocca's fluffy big ears, Graflin's heart, my mother's passion.... My mother's passion... now there's a blog just for itself. If my mother can't see the sun then she goes to see it. She gets her sunburn to feel and know that she's alive.

Today and everyday is the rest of my life. It's also the rest of YOUR life. No more days will be wasted living in the shadows anymore. The mistakes I made are scars and life lessons I will never regret and become stronger from each of them. With this being said, my new chapter begins.